Well guys first of all apologies
for the lack of match reports in the
last 6 months...there are many reasons behind this some personal
and
some professional, just to clear up some of the rumours it is
not true
that I was legally 'gagged' by Jim Mc concerning some libellous
allegations concerning himself, his beautiful French wife Isabella,
the
north London leagues female 'linesperson' and a corner flag.
However
sadly it is true I did suffer what's known in the profession
as writers
block - my psychiatrist has speculated that this could have
been caused
by a number of personal issues in my life namely the long term
loss of
Steve and Will from the reds team, the pressure of running the
book at
the reds race night, and the shock of seeing Jim Amoruso's white
dancing
shoes on the last Reds p*ss up...
|
But fear not Match Reporter Marrs
is back (if more with a splutter than bang) so feast your eyes
on this little belter/worrying ramble*
(* delete as appropriate) |
| Well its safe to say that so far
the 05/06 season has been something of a sticky patch for the
mighty Albion Reds (there's a gag about Als bed sheets fighting
to get out of that sentence!). Very much a mirror image of Evertons
season so far the reds have been well lets not beat about the
bush dismal. Defeat after defeat has seen the reds firmly rooted
at the bottom of division 1. At Everton their young Scottish manager
Moyes has been criticised for his lack of success in the transfer
market and the lack of attacking play of his side...the critics
have also rounded on the Red's young Scottish manager Sladen...notably
why he hasn't he got himself a job, why he only offers to buy
a round when the pint glasses are full and why he insists on sleeping
in the kit bag? Harsh criticism I'd say of a stalwart of the game
who guided the Reds to such glory last season... |
Anyway onto last night's game the
reds lined up as follows...
Mikey
Marrs
Kev
Irish Pete
Matt
Luke
Rich
Vince
Jules
Aero
Rogers
Subs:
Rich
Brian |
Absentees/apologies:
1. Jim Mc (as its half term Jim and Isabella took the opportunity
to visit Isabella's parents in the beautiful Champagne Ardenne
region of France to break the happy news of the impending arrival
of little 'Claude')
2/3. Brayts and Rob. Mystery currently surrounds the where abouts
of these 2. They have informed friends and close family that they
have gone to a wedding in deepest darkest Wales - some 'Uni mate'.
However they have mysteriously left their life partners 'little
suz and sarah' at home. Don't say I didn't warn you if they return
as Rob and Margaret...or never return at all....
4. Tom - not so much an apology as a 'pre counselling' Rogers
style strop. With delusions of grandeur not witnessed since last
weeks episode of the X factor Tom decided he was too good for
the Reds bench and promptly took the George Best/Dale Winton route
and went out on a bender...
So after 4 rambling paragraphs its onto the game itself. At Kick
Off it was clear that our opponents (Covent Garden) were "a
bunch of big feckers" (Captain Irish Pete) and non more so
than the Neanderthal playing centre back. Now for those of you
not present he was a slightly less attractive/intelligent version
of sloth from the goonies...more of him later. |
The Reds started off like Chelsea
(but better!) Al's masterstroke of sporting a 3/4 length grey
jacket, Armani suit, wig and speaking in a broken English accent
had clearly paid off! Genius...stroking the ball about Savage
Garden barely had chance to touch the ball before star striker
Jimbo (that's what his new Scottish girlfriend calls him) Rogers
curled in an exquisite 30 yarder into the top corner. "Unbelievable
its 1-0 to the Reds and finally their season is underway...we
haaaaave lift orrrrrrfffff!" shouted an excited and lame
amateur commentator on the touchline. |
However Savage Garden then gained
the upper hand and forced the reds onto the back foot and deservedly
equalised when (apologies I can't for the life of me remember
the goal?) the ball went into the albion goal. The game took another
twist minutes later when the oh so 'special' Savage Garden centre
back and local fruitcake got himself booked for
ranting and raving at in no particular order the ref, both linesmen,
the reds, his own team-mates, himself!? (honestly this guy made
Dennis appear like Stephen Hawkins). Two seconds later and a lunging
tackle saw him sent off....cue more ranting at the referee in
particular and some confused and scared glances from the Reds... |
| Faced with 10 men the Reds surprisingly
started to struggle as Savage Garden piled the pressure on - however
the creaking defence held firm and the score stood level at half
time. HT 1-1. |
The second half kick off was delayed
by a good 5 minutes whilst the referee dealt (once again) with
sloth the Savage Garden centre back who was now misbehaving on
the touch line.... dressed in only his football shorts and socks
and jumping around and shouting like a demented mule sloth was
once again given a stern talking too by the ref and
sensationally banished to the stands - however as Market roads
doesn't actually have any stands he was simply forced (literally)
to stand on the step behind the white railings. Still sloth was
undeterred and then proceeded to belt out some vociferous football
chants opening up with the classic "ere we go ere we go ere
we go" before moving onto the not so classic "come on
the famous, come on the famous"...."he retard"
commented the Greek linesman in less than perfect English to Match
Reporter Marrs' left, "Good England" Marrs retorted.... |
With Rich coming on for Vince the second half
started as had the first with the reds spraying the ball about
with skill not associated with such a lowly league position...and
before long they were 2-1 up. Once again it was the reds all time
leading goal scorer Rogers with a long distant strike - this time
lobbing the goalkeeper who'd strayed off his
line..."Rogers is back in the big time" proclaimed the
excitable amateur commentator before his co-commentator expertly
analysed "James is a different player now he's got a settled
lifestyle - show me a successful footballer without a good woman
behind him...I mean look what happened to Justin Fashanu - need
I say anymore...Yvonne is to James is what Colleen is to Rooney".
Wise words indeed. |
| 2-1 up against 10 men all the reds
had to do was keep it tight and sensible. Instead they proceeded
to let in 2 very soft goals...with Savage Gardens third coming
from a slip by the previously outstanding Irish Pete. So 3-2 down
with 10 minutes left heads could have dropped however this reds
team proved they are made of sterner stuff with debutants Kev
and Jules leading by example...on came tricky winger Brian (??)
for one last throw of the dice and boy did manager Al roll a six!!
With minutes to spare Brian raced down the left wing and fired
in a superb ball which the impressive Luke smashed into the net....cue
delirious celebrations on the pitch and hysterical shouting and
crying from Sloth who cut a very sad figure behind his white railing
after becoming so upset he wet himself... |
So the full time whistle quickly blew and a
well deserved share of the spoils (for both sides) it ended up.
Normally match reporter Marrs would pick a M.O.T.M...however this
was a true team performance so all 13 members of the squad give
yourselves a big pat on the back. If you find this difficult then
ask a colleague, friend or lover to do it for you.
Well played lads. |
| (Sadly due to a contractual dispute
with Rosie McCanns regarding the 'roast potatoes that never were'
the popular section Rosie's is not available this week. Please
keep your eyes pealed (no pun intended) for further announcements. |
