Albion Reds Football Club

Team: Irish Pete, James, (Joss 70 min) Jim F, Jim McT, Mark, Michael Goalie, Rich (Paul F 70 min), Rob, Steve, Tom, Will (Andy 15 min). Support: Troy & Matt.

Red nose day arrived a day early at Market Road last night as the Reds lined up against 2nd placed Edexcel. Excitement built up to a feverent level as word spread that a celebrity referee was taking charge of the game....and low and behold who should appear from the less than salubrious changing rooms than Mr Timothy Mallet. In awe of such a celebrity presence the boys stood back and stared until Joss pulled a pen and pad from his kagoule and rushed over for an autograph. Kick off was delayed for 5 minutes as what turned out be a rather brief game of 'mallets mallet' ensued between the very excitable Will and Joss... Timmy: Middle Joss: Centre Back Will: Steve Joss: C*not Timmy: What?! - right that's enough this game is void...

So off the Reds kicked adopting the usual 4-4-2 formation. Following last weeks disappointing 2-2 draw the Reds were surprisingly sprightly playing some good stuff in parts. Such play resulted in the Reds opening goal when Tom (before being fouled) flicked on a high ball with Timmy Mallet playing a fine advantage the reds opened up the Edexcel defence (average height 6"8) and Rich slotted home. Shortly after however disaster struck when Will twisted his knee attempting some electric dance moves to the "Cally youth mc beatbox crew" (or c*nts for short) who had assembled on a nearby roof. Enter match reporter Marrs at left back...

Quickly the second goal followed - a goal made in 64 Battledean Road. It was a long throw from Rob on the right wing that found the head of his housemate, teammate and live in lover big Mark who somehow ghosting into the six yard box unnoticed emphatically headed home his 13th of the season! As the team celebrated both Steve and Jim Mc cursed - "I fuc*in hate it when he scores" they muttered to one another. That's it boys team spirit.

It wasn't all plain sailing though as the lively Edexcel strikers broke through the Reds backline on a couple of occasions only to be thwarted by Michael in his suspiciously stained goalie top (see the Rosie McCann's section later in the report for explanation) who produced a couple of excellent one on one saves! Two fine contributions were also made by Jim Mc in the 1st half who booted the little chavs ball onto the busy main road not once but twice - this particularly impressed Joss who presumably saw it as a charitable gesture by Jim who was merely attempting to keep Joss and his ambulance driving colleagues in employment. H-T 2-0

No time for in depth tactical discussions or orange analysis - the Reds instead spent the whole of half time deciding whether or not to go back to the changing rooms - we decided not to and off the second half kicked.

The second half saw Edexcel become increasingly annoyed with the performance of Timmy Mallet - who to be fair wasn't as bad as they were making out. Losing their heads the free kick and bookings count against them built up and it was from such a free kick that James dispatched a bobby dazzler with the keeper barley moving. Other spectacular efforts by both Jim Amoruso and James also went close - it seems we're not short of quality free kick takers - or are we? See the latest Rosie McCann's shenanigans later in the match report...

At 3-0 Al brought on Joss and Paul for James and Rich respectively...now match reporter Marrs was on the far side of the pitch attempting to detangle his left leg after another failed clearance but is reliably informed that star striker James threw what can only be described as a "hissy fit" at this decision and reminiscent of Ketsbia proceeded to remove his kit there and then on the touchline whilst squealing in a very high pitched manner...at this point (I'm told) James was left standing sobbing in his pale blue 'y fronts and vest' and then inexplicably placed his willy out of the front of his y's. This was the final straw for manager Al who in a fatherly manner barked "for gods sake James your letting down both yourself and more importantly your team-mates down pull yourself together and get into the changing room - now!" Rumours that James then returned to the changing room and p'eed into Joss's ,his replacements, shoe cannot be confirmed as Joss thinks he may have simply wet himself when first hearing the pre match rumours concerning Timmy mallet.

The substitutions didn't adversely affect the Reds as they went on to score a great team goal - after what must have been a million passes Joss was one and one and 'expertly' slotted the ball in off the post. All that remained was for match reporter Marrs to ensure the clean sheet remained by expertly heading off the line following an Edexcel corner. FT 4-0. Good performance, good result. The Reds are back on track.

Weekly Rosie's Round Up.... Line Up: Al, Pete, Tom, Jim Amoroso, Jim Mc, Andy, Rich, Michael, Mark, Matt.

Lads if you didn't make it down to Rosies last night you can guarantee 2 things, 1. You got slagged off (particularly if accused of throwing hissy fits) and 2. you missed out on some quite disturbing revelations mostly from manager Al...

In no particular order:

1. Revelation number one came from a sober...yes sober Mark who announced he thought he should take a few free kicks around the penalty area (and he wasn't meaning his own) Following a lengthy discussion Al will be questioning the North London League Committee as to whether or not direct/in direct free kicks have to be kicked or whether they can in fact be headed off the floor...watch this space.

2. Al on occasions has woken up in bed in the albion reds kit and has not been able to remember why...

3. Slightly more disturbing, particularly for Michael is confession number 2 "well yes there was one night where I took a young lady home and obviously having no central heating it can get chilly so I reached for a top and with the goalie top having long sleeves gave her that... then shagged her."

4. Al is a trained masseur. I kid you not.

5. Al is today facing an appeal against his benefit claims...roving match reporter Marrs adopting his sceptical professional head couldn't help noticing the link between this appeal and Al's keenness to arrange the Albion Reds Fund Raising 10 Pin Bowling Night... Good luck Al!

6. Finally Tom or Prince Tom as we shall now refer to him, is actually a member of the Royal family - whilst he didn't actually say this he was sporting a folded and visible hankerchief in his suits top pocket.

That's yer lot folks - hope you enjoyed it...