Rosie's Report

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10-09-10

Albion Reds Football Club

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Morning lads,
As promised here's the match report. Apologies got a bit carried away - it's a bit lengthy. Enjoy,
Andy.

Team:
GK: Joss
RB: Matt G
CB: Mark
CB: Steve
LB: Will
RM: Paul
CM: Irish Pete (c)
CM: Rich
LM: Jim
CF: James
CF: Tom
Subs: Andy, MH Pete, Mikey.

Following a summer of resounding friendly victories the much improved Albion Reds looked in good shape for their first league game of the 2004/5 campaign. As the teams warmed up in the hazy late summer sunshine the Reds certainly looked the part following Al's investment in mitre training balls, some rather fetching fluorescent bibs for the subs and last but certainly not least the 'vulcan' medical bag. Rumours that these purchases have been funded by a fraudulent insurance claim on the death of the infamous Dennis have so far proven unfounded.

Prior to kick off the Reds were dealt a 'bitter blow' with manager Al being forced to run the line. Despite this the Reds started the game the better of the two sides however in true Reds fashion they soon lowered their standard of play to that of the opposition in what proved to be a scrappy opening period. The first real incident of note involved Rich taking a harsh blow to his knee following a 50/50 clash with the dodgy looking McCann's goalkeeper who appeared non too keen to leave the comfortable surroundings of his goal line.
Despite not playing well the Reds scored their first league of the season in the 25th minute - a clever ball from midfield (possibly Jim?) released Tom and he provided a controlled finished into the far corner of the net. The reds failed to build on this lead with the next 20 minutes predominantly involving every member of the team screaming the evenings catchphrase "fu*king calm down" at each other - with nobody actually doing so. During this period Rosie McCann's saw more of the ball particularly Johnny Vegas in midfield who showed impressive skill and agility for such a big man - however all good things must come to an end and the big man (Norman) had to leave the field of play before half time as he hadn't eaten any fried food in over 36 minutes and was suffering hallucinations.
Prior to half time Paul showed some impressive skills turning the defence inside out and also having a spectacular 25 yard half volley tipped over for a corner. It was from a corner just before half time that marauding centre back Mark bravely nodded in goal number 2 receiving a kick in the mouth for his troubles. HT 2-0.

Following a brief tactical half time team talk (lads we need to "fuc*ing calm down") discussion moved onto the more important issue of Al's tactical masterstroke of getting a new orange supplier - general opinion supported this move as the extra quality more than justified getting 8 as opposed to 10 oranges for £1. Particularly pleased was Joss who proclaimed it was the "juiciest orange he'd ever tasted" - high praise indeed.

The second half saw Reds up the tempo with the wind at their backs - a fine run by Matt saw him one on one with the keeper but from a tight angle the keeper parried for a corner. At the back the defence coped easily with any McCann attacks with Joss proving to be no calamity James. However with around 25-30 minutes remaining the impressive Rich could no longer carry on - succumbing to his first half knock. With Jim stepping into the middle the Reds were forced to hurriedly field match reporter Andy into the very unfamiliar territory of left midfield. Thankfully the reds didn't falter and took the game by the scruff of the neck in the last 25 minutes - first following 5/6 crisp passes James lashed in number 3 from a considerable distance. Following this goal MH pete and Mikey joined the fray with Tom and Paul taking a well earned breather. Number 4 quickly followed - with Jim swinging in a corner for James to apply a textbook header. The final goal of the game was then scored following some intricate play down the left between myself and Will that Cole and Bridge could only dream of. The defence were unable to deal with a 'dangerous' cross from myself and MH Pete lashed in the loose ball.
Result 5-0. All in all no complaints - it wasn't the best performance from the Reds but you can't complain at such a handsome victory.

Following the game the vast majority headed to Rosie McCann's to bask in the glory - and enjoy some classic oasis and starship tracks. It was all too much for Tom though who on antibiotics and unable to drink just couldn't cope. Nervously shaking his head and stuttering he did the honourable thing and headed home. The Joss 'Love machine' departed slightly later containing the 'North London boys' who could no longer resist a good nights 'dogging' in the murky car parks of Stoke Newington. Last to leave were Mark and Matt who romantically sharing a kebab strolled back to their salubrious Highbury neighbourhood.

Finally a couple of awards:
Man of the Match: A tough one - Pete and Rich were strong in midfield whilst Rogers scored two good goals - whilst also the entire back 5 didn't put a foot wrong. I can't decide - so make your own minds up.
Muppet of the Match: Following ridiculously energetic attempts to save Rosie McCann's conceding a corner and a throw in (we play in blue yes?) I thought I had this in the bag - however Mikey pipped me at the last with his ridiculous 'post match' Kronenbeg fuelled rants concerning the efficiency of Aussie's at building schools (??) and 3.5 litre uts - unbelievable.